Playing the Victim or Taking Responsibility?

Recent events, particularly the illegal immigration repatriations from South Africa, have highlighted victim-playing behavior. Not only do we see this in macro-events in the news but also in personal relationships.

Victim-playing behavior can appear when a person who has caused harm tries to avoid responsibility by presenting themselves as the one who has been wronged. In the context of crime, misconduct or illegal immigration, this involves shifting attention away from the act itself and toward the person’s own difficulties, excuses, or grievances.

For example, undocumented migrants in South Africa are crying and complaining that their repatriation transport is so delayed and people aren’t treating them nicely but fail to acknowledge why that is and what they did wrong in the first place. Illegally entering the country, working illegally and then in some cases then committing crimes are topics they prefer to avoid talking about it.

At the same time, instead of taking responsibility for corruption and a lack of effective policing and border controls, the government sometimes shifts the blame to citizens saying they should not complain or express anger. Instead of expressing specific actions as to what they will do about this, they are focusing on the citizens who are for the most part the real victims in this situation.

In addition, in personal relationships, when you call someone out about their bad behavior, they often focus on criticizing you and what you are saying to them instead of reflecting and acknowledging their bad behavior that led you to say something. Such individuals tend to play the victim, never acknowledging the role they played in creating the problem.

While genuine hardship or complicated circumstances can explain some pressures in a person’s life, it does not remove accountability for choices that are illegal or that harm others. Although people may face adversity and we can sympathize with their struggles, they must still take responsibility for their actions. For instance, if a drug addict injured someone while in a drug-induced state, he/she must take responsibility for this even if he was struggling with addiction for some reason. Many people suffer hardship and still behave well whereas some suffer and then feel entitled to behave badly endlessly.

One common feature of victim-playing behavior is blame-shifting. Instead of acknowledging wrongdoing, the person may focus on external circumstances, unfair treatment, difficult upbringing, poverty, stress, discrimination, or other pressures. This is what many undocumented migrants in South Africa are doing at the moment. While we can sympathize with their difficult circumstances in their country of origin and even here, it does not excuse their complete disrespect of the law and their wrongful choices. People’s challenging factors may be real and important, but they are often misused by those who enjoy playing the victim. Such individuals simply do this to shield themselves from facing the consequences of their actions.

Psychologically, victim-playing can serve several purposes. It may protect the person’s self-image, attract sympathy, confuse others, or create pressure on authorities, family members, or the public to soften their response. Some people use it consciously as a manipulation tactic, while others fall into it because they have learned to see themselves as powerless or constantly persecuted. In either case, the pattern becomes harmful when it prevents honest reflection, restitution, and behavioral change.

This behavior can be especially frustrating to real victims, communities, and justice systems because it appears to reverse moral responsibility. The person who caused harm may demand compassion while offering little empathy to those affected by their actions. This does not mean compassion should be abandoned, but it does mean compassion must be paired with truth. A society can recognize someone’s pain without allowing that pain to become an excuse for illegal action, intimidation, dishonesty, crime and a lack of accountability.

A healthier response is to separate explanation from excuse. Understanding why someone behaved destructively can help with prevention and fair decision-making, but it should not erase accountability. Real accountability involves admitting harm, accepting consequences, making amends where possible, and changing future behavior. Without that process, victim-playing becomes a barrier to justice, personal growth, and trust within the wider community.

Although this approach may work in some cases to help someone reflect and try to rectify their wrong doings, I have found that often people who play the victim are extremely toxic and should be avoided. Sometimes they refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing at all and do not plan to change. Depending on the circumstances, you must decide if boundaries will work or if it is simply best to avoid all the drama by showing such toxic people the door.